The Most Perfect Fanfiction Ever
by Kingdom Farts Reviews
Summary: Yes, this is definitely the most perfect fanfiction to ever exist. EVER! also a joke but w/e


Dear Madam Celtic Authoress,

This letter is to inform you that you are currently being sued in the court of FanFiction for defamation of character and false advertisement. You have been called to court on the claims that you have told heinous lies about my Client, Haji, founder and caretaker of the kingdomfartsreviews blog, and current owner of the FanFictionNet account kingdomfartsreviews. These claims include, but are not limited to, falsified claims of superiority that did not happen, using slanderous nicknames, and incorrect name placement.

You have been summoned to court, and will undergo a hearing in thirty (30) days from today's date. Failure to arrive at said hearing will result in immediate termination of all assets claimed by the Defendant (Celtic Authoress), and those assets—in the form of liquid equity—will be transferred to my Client (Haji of kingdomfartsreviews).

Please refer to the section below for a more detailed list of all claims. Because highlighting will not be allowed by the courts of FanFiction, all quotes from both parties, the Defendant and my Client, will be bolded.

On the first claim of defamation of character, the Defendant has written "**Judging by your User name, you live to do this. In my opinion, I firmly believe that people like you have no right to do this to the people who put their heart and soul into something and then have the bravery  
to post it on the internet for millions to read.**"

My Client has not made any kind of statement that confirms the Defendant's claims. The Defendant has incorrectly assumed that my Client does this for a living, and indirectly, does this to crush the spirits of those on the Internet. Since this a false claim against my Client, it falls under defamation of character because the statements made by the Defendant will lead others to think, and therefore believe, that my Client is like this.

These statements are false.

On the claim of false advertisement, the Defendant has written **" But on you're the only reason that Nobodies can't feel thing, Roxas had part of Sora's heart. Ariexan, had part of Ariane's heart. The ONLY way a Nobody can have a Keyblade is if they have part of their Somebody's heart."**

My Client has written a review for a piece of fanfiction that contained a character by the name of Arixane. The fact that the Defendant has written to my Client about a character that does not exist in the story in question leads to a case of false advertisement on the behalf on the Defendant. She has been displaying her idea with a character that either does not exist in the story in question, or has misspelled the name of her own intellectual property.

In either case, this is grounds for making all her claims invalid. She is not speaking of the character who had been reviewed (Arixane), but of a different character entirely.

This is an excerpt of my Client's review that addressed the issue that the Defendant is questioning. **"Nobodies can't feel…period. The only exception to this is Roxas. Speculation as far as I know is because his Somebody. Sora, is still alive at the same time. Roxas is allowed to feel. Arixane could even feel if you could prove to the reader that her Somebody is still alive and haven't I said this once already?"**

The second excerpt**: "****Also, the way this is written, Ariane, who is your Nobody's Somebody, appears to be dead at the time that Arixane comes around. The only reason (according to speculation as I am not sure if this has been one hundred percent confirmed in canon) Roxas is able to have genuine feelings and pass these feelings to others on occasion is because Sora is alive at the same time."**

It is expressly said by my Client that she is only speculating as she is not sure if Kingdom Hearts canon has confirmed her claim one hundred percent. She is also not saying anything about the character's inability to feel being an issue. Only that based on her speculation, if the character's Somebody is not alive at the time the story events are taking place, then it is safer to assume that she should not be feeling at all.

This was not an attack on the Defendant's character, only a simple question of the Defendant's logical thinking skills. It was not addressed in the story in question so there is no way for my Client to be sure.

On the slanderous nicknames attributed to my Client by the Defendant, the Defendant has written: **"****How about you actually WRITE one and put your work out their for inconsiderate jerks like yourself to judge?"**

My Client has never once made any slanderous remarks about the Defendant. My Client has not thrown around any nicknames about the Defendant in any way. The Defendant is creating a hostile environment for my Client by again making false claims and defaming my Client's character.

My Client is not a jerk by any stretch of the imagination, but others will now think so because my Client has taken time out of her day to attempt to help a fellow writer. The courts of FanFiction will recognize this as slanderous and defamatory.

On the Defendant claiming that My Client has made claims of superiority, the Defendant has written: **"****Oh, I do actually challenge you to write something, I hope you do, because I look forward to see if you can hold up to your word, and back yourself up. You may or may not do it, but whatever, it will just show me you're a coward. And just for the sake of this so I don't miss your work (if you ever do) I have already put you on my author's alert. Have a Nice Life and Happy Writing ( I do look forward to it)**"

My Client has not once ever stated, verbally, or in any type of written medium, that she was perfect in any way. My Client has never stated that she could write the perfect fanfiction, nor did she ever make any claims that would warrant the Defendant calling my Client a coward.

Allow me to provide evidence that my Client is not perfect. My Client has written in her review that: "**Now, time skips are tricky because they have to cover a vast amount of time with enough detail so that the readers will not feel lost when you pick up your story again. I personally have trouble writing time skips myself because I usually can't balance out the amount of information with the amount of time that passed."**

A second excerpt: "**I thought Arixane's remembering could have been a little more streamlined. I mean, you can have it be sporadic as far as the actual events that take place in which she is remembering something, but it sometimes feel like you just threw something in there because you didn't know what to do with your plot. This is fine, I do it too, but it could have a little bit of a smoother transition so it doesn't feel so jarring."**

If this is not enough evidence for the Defendant to believe that my Client is not perfect, it would be advised that the Defendant reread the review in its entirety as she will find a number of typos and misplaced punctuation. My Client apologizes for lack of proofreading.

This concludes this letter to Celtic Authoress (the Defendant) and my Client (Haji) looks forward to seeing the Defendant in Fanfiction court, though she does have a personal letter for the Defendant.

Have a nice day,

Logicpro Esquire.

* * *

Dear Celtic Authoress,

I am completely and utterly speechless that you for one moment would think that I found myself perfect in any way. It also astounds me that you would pull the "woe is me, life sucks" card, because I am not interested in your personal life. (As you are not interested in mine.)

This letter from my Lawyer OC, Logicpro, was to illustrate that you have lied about what I have said to you, twisted my words to fit your benefit, and have shown me that you are also a tad immature. I did not ever call you any kind of name, nor have I done anything to attack you. I have left a review. That's it.

You claim that you poured your heart and soul into the fanfiction that you have written because it helps you to escape the reality of your everyday life. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this, though if you are trying to pursue any type of writing, you will have to deal with feedback from publishers, editors, agents, and anybody who reads your work.

This feedback will come in the form of a review that will say "rejected" in the largest sized font you could possibly imagine because that is what it will feel like to you. I did not ever say that you were a horrible person, nor did I call you stupid or inept. You, however, have called me a liar in a way, a coward, and an inconsiderate jerk. This is not appreciated by anybody.

If you are searching for your self confidence on the Internet, you will never gain confidence. The Internet is a constant battlefield of slander, lies, fighting, and pointless arguments that have absolutely no way of being refereed. It essentially boils down to whoever worded their response the best and the wittiest is the winner.

This was not meant to be a fight. What I have done is shown you what you have done to yourself. I may look like a prick because I responded in the way I did, but you have shown that you are the same way by lying about me. I am not afraid of what people think because it is the Internet. The Internet cannot really do anything to you. You can only allow what people say to cause you to harm yourself.

I am of course speaking figuratively and not literally.

And I looked at your profile. You have written that you are just about fifteen years old now. If you are going to make it through high school with any semblance of self confidence intact, you will have to get a thicker skin. Srsly.

You thought I was mean, I can almost guarantee that high school will be worse.

Anyway, because you have decided to fight me on this, I will only say one more thing before I go and never contact you again. Your letter to me was riddled with grammatical errors. It was funny to me.

Has a nice day.

-Haji


End file.
